Year 3. Big long, uninterrupted Winter Quarter #3. The difficult one.
I thought it would be tough, like last year and the year before.
But it wasn't. Maybe because he just drives off now, we don't have to work or fuss. Maybe it was because we were pre-occupied. He hit the road while we hit the El Cajon Peak trail.
It helped that he called on his way up a couple of times ("Maps has me heading SOUTH on 101? Where are the landslides?"). He arrived in SLO before we finished our hike. Nice distraction.
It helps that he still has to walk around campus and often walks to pick up food. So he calls. They're long walks, so he's unhurried.
I think the big thing is the first year he really needed to get away from us. We're weren't bad, we were just ALWAYS around.
We gave him his space. We stopped pushing. Even mom stopped interfering in just about every way (now she only really nags him to try to give him money).
Even as recently as this summer, I was thinking "Shouldn't he like us more? I mean, we're interesting, right? I'm funny. That's GOT to count for something. Right? Right?!".
These things take time. Their own time. His time. It takes enough independence and distance - and safety and comfort - to evaluate the good things in all that past "oppression". He's doing well enough, we trust him, and we're his biggest fans. We can't help but be consistently supportive and uplifting at this point.
The fear is gone, the triggers less hairy. He's emotionally relaxed.
It's been an easy couple of weeks. It does indeed get easier. It gets better. There's a growing element of equality in it and actual respect as people. It gets GOOD.
And he'll be home in couple of minutes. I had mentioned in passing that we all have Monday off (he didn't realize it: more parental value there!). "Maybe I should drive home for the weekend?"
I have plans, so I won't see him much, but I'll see him. Bouyed.
Of course, I still miss him when he's away, but it doesn't hurt the way it used to. It doesn't feel as empty. There are still two lives - him around and him away. Maybe it's because the intensity of the memory of the 24/7/365 emotional state is fading (forgetting is perhaps the backbone of sanity), but flipping from Heart-is-Full (that never diminishes) to the Other just isn't as loss-riddled. The Away State is just a new normal and somehow your heart deals with it - maybe because it never found a good use for all the anguish.
I know life will kick me in the head with a surprise, but I can see that I'll always miss him when he's away and I see that I don't have to worry about it hurting so much. It still may hurt, but the heart feels it doesn't have to worry.
I heard something today: we are BUILT to endure. I don't know. But the fact that any of us are sane at all is proof that we inevitably adapt.
Having our birds fly is not a tragedy, it's a gift. A gift we have to adapt to, but we do. And it's validating and it's glorious and it's forever.
You got this. We got you.
(He's sneezing downstairs! bye!)
UPDATE: it was 12:45am and he was grumpy from the drive. Still a win!