If you were on this (wonderful) forum there years ago - during my First Parting - you know that I was a mess. You know that I am not a Tough Guy. As dad's go, I'm about as emotionally sensitive and vulnerable as they come, and that even a lot of the mamas were thinking, "Jeff, keep it together, you fragile drama queen."
I just want that background to be clear when I say "You will be whole again - and more."
Last Saturday was Senior Year Head Back Day. I didn't know what to expect. The Aways were getting easier, but this was a new one. The Last Routine Summer was ending. The last year at Cal Poly was ahead. The first one without a known follow up. Curse these unknowns!
A week before Head Back Day, "this is probably this last time this summer we..." was always popping up. Emotionally on edge, but not with that Deep Anxiety of The First Parting.
I still didn't have any idea how I would feel as he pulled away in the van by himself for the first time (driving home for a break and driving himself back was common now, but never a Move Out).
The drive off was hurried, impatient, " I gotta beat LA traffic..."
Unscathed emotionally. I was fine. Maybe it'll hit later.
I didn't. It won't.
It's now the following Monday. Life is back to The Away, and the transition is practiced. It becomes a toggle switch. The dark is no longer scary - because you know it's not actually dark.
Some of it's due to him. He hasn't needed to "break bonds" like he did during the First Parting - the Big Parting.
He texted on the way up that traffic in LA was reasonable. He texted when he arrived at the apartment. He texted, "Hey, there's an outstanding rent debt that will keep me from moving in." But he texted that he was okay before he knew he needed something from us. That's a win. And it's an expected one at this point. Sunday he was scoping out his new classrooms and texted a picture of an impressive building he hadn't had a class in ever.
He called during the week. Very different from The First Parting.
Your Mustang has a lot to adjust to (and tons of distractions). They adjust.
We adjust. Like we always do.
The First Parting is different from the later partings. Yes, it's much broader and BIGGER. It's an upheaval. And there's a component that you will never fully prefer: they're Away. Your favorite person is Away. You'll always prefer them to be nearby - that will always be true. Always always always.
There's a lot at play during up to, around, and after The First Parting. New - at times overwhelming - feelings.
Even in a worst case scenario - where nothing gets better - you'll find a way to adapt. You might not be able to replace all the joy, but you'll mitigate most of the discomfort. The worst off you'll be is that you'll be aware of a wound that you were never able to fully close, a hole you couldn't completely fill. But you'll adjust. That's that rare worst case.
For almost all of us, there is plenty of joy in the future and only that pain that we're used to feeling on a day-to-day basis. You know, the daily grind type of stuff. But, yes, we do have a new toiletry kit in the emotional baggage we will forever carry around everywhere: a wistfulness in our most loved one being away. Or maybe it's a mesh bag with some recently worn socks (sometimes it's not so noticeable, sometimes it is).
But the BIG STRAINS will diminish soon enough (though it won't seem soon while in the grip). The Novelty of the Absence. The Unknowns. The Worry.
The Nest isn't empty now: it's Haunted. The empty chair, the lack of dishes pilled up right next to the dishwasher. All sorts of active triggers. The Haunting springs from the Novelty of the kid not coming home today and being what we previously considered mostly a nuisance. We're easily triggered and we don't have emotional resilience built up.
The Unknowns. My goodness, when was the last time we were this overwhelmed with unknowns? Right after welcoming our now-college-students into the world. We had a lot of help for that. Parents, family, friends - all who had been there. Books. We had books! "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
The Parting doesn't have the personal, social, or industry prominence that The Spawning does. If you've been left behind before, you might have had an inkling of what this would feel like. I had zero idea and had zero prep. It didn't occur to me that this would be a brand new intense and very complex (very rich) experience.
Boom. Some shellshock. And then the emotional "how the heck do I deal with THIS?!" How do I protect my heart?
Our first instinct in solving a problem is to control it. But we have to understand it, so that we can plan how to control it.
We're hit with a deluge of new/unknown problems. We're also not where the "problems" are, so we have a high level of frustration/helplessness.
And emotionally, if we don't have a PLAN on how to make things safe, we don't feel safe. The heart races on. We live in a panic.
And that's probably the biggest catalyst: we are used to having control, having a plan, doing something. The lack of control, the lack of the plan leads us to worry. We are on overdrive right now. So many unknowns. Unknowns we are triaging via old metrics. Everything is a crisis or near crisis and WE'RE NOT PREPARED!!!
The good news is: you don't have to be. You don't need a plan for everything. You don't need to flesh out every unknown, every fear.
1) You've got a partner in this. In fact, you are the junior partner. And while you're not aware of the specifics right now and you don't think you're prepared, you are. And so is your Mustang. You've been preparing them for seventeen years, and Cal Poly Admin knows what they're prepared for. So, in addition to your senior partner in this adventure being capable, they are growing into owning the whole scope. And the Cal Poly Administration knows how to grow them. This is not their first rodeo (figurative or literal).
You'll learn to let go of your outdated role of being The Fixer. You will still be called to help fix, but your only full time Fixer audience is yourself. You'll learn that your role of being Worrier-in-Chief is no longer necessary. You'll likely retain the Emeritus title, but day to day worrying operations will transfer to your Student.
Which leaves us the hardest fix: ourselves. We have had an all-encompassing primary focus for decades on... Someone Else. That Someone Else doesn't need our full-time attention/worry any more. We not only have a lot more free time, we have a whole lot of brain power and heartspace freed up. We are all at different levels of that redirection. Not just attention and time, but a weighing of "what is meaningful now?" "I have to replace my Greatest Meaning with something... ...less?"
That transition takes time. You'll get there. Most of the way there. The good news here is that even if the gap is large, you'll adjust. We always do. Even if your life by all objective measures is inferior to your Daily Parenting Days, they're actually subjective measures. You adjust. Eventually you'll be just as happy or happier in your new life. You cope. Count on that.
So the new upside, the continual one: our heart/psyche/reptilian brain makes the adjustment so that the Distance Life Baseline seems/becomes as contented as the earlier Cohabited Life seemed to be:
You'll get an incredible boost whenever you text, talk or see you kid. Initially, only time with your kid will seem to exceed the old joy baseline. But as you build up that baseline, the Kid Bump - I don't see this bump diminishing - keeps bumping up your Joy Ceiling.
It get's better. At first marginally and sporadically. But eventually, you're above baseline, all the time.
Except when they leave. That will always be a dip. But more shallow and brief as you adjust.
So, remember:
- You need your healing power more than your kid. You're a powerful and experienced support expert.
- You have partners in this. And your kids aren't just partners, they're the owners. They're new, but they're GOOD. They are prepared. And seeing them embrace their new roles and flex their power will be one of the most enriching, satisfying and meaningful feelings you'll experience - they will continue to drive the richness of your life. Count on this.
- College is a tried and true growth environment, and Cal Poly is one of the best. Their administration and staff is way more competent in helping your kid than we are. They are really good, they really care, and they've refined this whole experience to a science (and retaining the art (and heart)). At SLO Days I got wet-faced understanding that the hard part of my son growing up was him having to rely on two rank amateurs.
- That instinct to know everything, to have a plan for everything and to know it all RIGHT NOW - that old instinct's sole effect now is to add stress and worry to your life. You're a role player on a capable team. The sooner your heart accepts this new, limited role, the sooner it can grow into the underserved areas it needs to. (I worried a lot early on, just to kind of map out the worry boundaries. I might have wallowed a bit to help the (little) grieving of The Away. But soon enough you'll learn that almost all you're worrying is just wasting emotional energy that has plenty of other needs).
- So, it's not Don't Worry, Be Happy. It's worry as much as you absolutely have to (it's a coping mechanism, largely outdated now). It's Worry Sparingly with Comfort and Trust.
- You're kid is going to amaze and humble you. Count on that.
- You are going to feel whole permanently again. And your Joy Ceiling is going to, surprisingly, inevitably, go up. Count on that.
You got this, and it's awesome.