Pep talk. Serious one.
Some of you incoming parents may be worried on a very deep level about the upcoming distancing and are in an emotional space where the validity of the brilliant Unicorn Rainbow Farts testimonial ❤ ❤ ❤ did not fully connect.
This is an attempt to provide support in a different flavor.
We and our kids are all in different places emotionally. I don't know whether the biggest variable is us or our kids.
Your kid has an emotional agenda he may or may not be aware of. They are driven by needs they may not fully understand and can rarely fully articulate. They're working on figuring it out (you are likely not to be full read-in on the process or the status, etc.) Some kids (mine) were rather insistent on establishing their independence . Let them. They will come back when they are ready, but they will come back.
This I think is universal for us parents: adjusting to the distancing is a grieving process. If you know grief, you have an idea of the grief you will feel - in general and because of unexpected triggers.
But keep in mind - this is critical - this isn't a Big Grief. It's not a Permanent Grief.
It's not the end of a relationship. It IS a change in the dynamics (and the frequencies) of the relationship. All the loss you will feel is not permanent. Your relationship continues and grows.
He is going to school, not to war.
You'll talk frequently (although he will be very distracted at first). He'll come home. He'll stay at home for long spells. As soon as you make eye contact again All Will Seem Right With the World (and all WILL be right with the world).
These griefs are temporary and Hope and Joy will be Fully Restored.
You are going to feel deeply, and with a richness that will surprise you - it's a whole new phase in our lives. It's not an end, it's a transition. The transition we've been planning for for 17 years. You know it's right. You know it's that Special Purpose. And know - remember in those difficult moments - your Heart will Be Full Again, again and again.
I really didn't use that term "My heart is full" until my son took a part of it every time he left. He still does. Your heart will be full again and again and all will seem right with the world, again and again.
We just have to adapt to the fact that it doesn't feel continuous anymore and it doesn't feel certain anymore. It may never feel certain again, and that is what we must (and will) adjust to.
I still wrestle with this when mine leaves the house, even if it's just for the evening ("he didn't say goodnight 🙁 ".
The seventeen years of continuity and certainty is over, but if you think about it, certainty was just taking the moments for granted, and that is over now. You will grieve that, and we may never fully reconcile this apparent loss.
You are experiencing now the terrifying realization that no moment is guaranteed, that moments are finite. They always have been precious, and, in this new phase of our lives, they are even more so.
Embrace the moments you have together now. Know that you will feel grief in your child's absence, rather deeply at first and increasingly less - at your own pace. Remember in those moments, these are Temporary Griefs, not the Deep Griefs, though they may feel the same.
You will feel that All is Right With the World over and over and over. With a call, a texted picture of the meal they cooked in their dorm room with an air fryer, texts of kick-ass Test Scores, their escalating confidence and achievements... Eye contact in the hallway.
The joy, the relief, the awe will blossom in ways you can't feel or anticipate now. You will feel meaning and life validation - and that will be continuous and certain.
But that is a little bit in the future. Right now it's all this new uncertainty. The term going around is "You are going to go through some things." So broad, so rich. And, yes, (temporary) grief is a part of it.
This is the process.
Look at the pictures of the fresh graduates. They made it. They were uncertain and scared coming in. Look at them now. That is you in a few.
All is right with the world, still. Even in those moments where you're scared and you're (tiny) grieving.
You got this. You absolutely have this. Your kids will be fine, they have so much they are embracing; we're just sad it's not us right now. That's actually a wonderful thing that they won't have time for us for for a while. It's just not easy for us in the moment.
They will come back. They will amaze you, again, again, and always.
When those tough moments come, you don't have to grieve alone. All the new parents will be grieving on the same schedule you are. That's actually what makes this group so impactful. Us older parents, remember; we remember. We've traveled the path out of those moments. New and old, we're all here to support each other.
Remember, always remember: it may feel like Big Grief, but it is absolutely not that at all. You are just overwhelmed by love and you have to wait to express it.
Your heart will be full. Again and again.
You got this. We got you.